My first time…was in a Porta Potty

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“It feeeeeeels like the first time.  Feels like the very-first-time.” Aww c’mon you know the words…

Okay, okay, no I’m fucking with you on the Porta Potty thing (or am I?), but let’s be honest – there are a good percentage of people out there who can find solidarity in the fact that our first times were absolutely horrific.  There are also several of us that had the most stupendous, beautiful times in that first encounter with sexual intercourse, and those of us that just aren’t doing it, at all. So lets talk about it.

Sure, it’s a little awkward, but you gotta admit, our vast array of experiences are at the very least interesting and unique.  That’s why What the F Magazine is hosting an anonymous “my first time” sex survey: we want to hear testimonies from the University of Michigan to include in our next issue.  Don’t have sex? That’s cool too, and you may find some of these stories pretty fascinating anyway.  For you coitus connoisseurs, moderately active folk, and whatever is outside or in between: if you have stories that you’d like to share, click here for our survey.  So far we’ve got over 70 responses in just the first two hours!

If you’re feeling wary, check out the publications below that have done similar features, and even the web series by John Stamos asking celebrities about their first times (Olivia Munn lost her’s on her 18th birthday…it was less than stimulating, watch her interview here).

Indulge.

Add me on Facebook-

“I was 15. Christmas night. On the basement floor. Partner? 17-year-old steady boyfriend of several months. It was his first time too. He just friend requested me on Facebook. Currently I’m 53, happily married for the second time for 26 years.” via Huffington Post

At least the TV was on…-

“I was very drunk and it happened while we were watching Castle, so I stared into Nathan Fillion’s eyes on the screen over his shoulder while he got off and I wondered if all sex was really this boring.

Spoiler alert – it isn’t.” via Jezebel.com

On a trampoline-

“All my friends had lost “theirs” earlier than me, but I had told myself I was waiting [until] at least 16. Well 16 rolled around and we went to a gin and juice party. Unfortunately, I laid my eyes on the hottest guy at the party and then laid down with him on a trampoline. It wasn’t magical or the special waterfall I imagined. But, saying I lost my virginity on a trampoline has made for some great conversations.”  via Huffington Post

Taco Bell with side of car wreck-

“. . . the night I had sex for the first time, my mom thought I was spending the night at my friend Kelly’s house, but really I was fucking Brad in the backseat of my car, which was parked in the woods on property Brad’s family owned. The phrase “lost my virginity” doesn’t seem fitting for what I did with Brad. I don’t think I’ve ever felt virginal in my entire life, and whatever pureness does exist inside me was not poked out by Brad’s penis. I was just in the back of my car listening to Linkin Park and trying to find fulfilling sex. Wild hymens can’t be broken.

After Brad blew his load, we decided to go to the Waffle House. While dining, I remember the Bloodhound Gang lyric “I want you smothered want you covered like my Waffle House hash browns” played in my head. On the drive back to the property, we noticed the car in front of us was swerving across the road. The car smashed into a tree, and the driver flew through the windshield. We pulled over to help. The driver dangled out of his windshield covered in blood.

“Hey, is that you, Brad?” The driver slurred before he passed out.

He knew my boyfriend. Totally freaked, we called 911. An ambulance and cops arrived; he was taken to the hospital. But our trouble had just started. In our town, there was a curfew for teenagers; my boyfriend was old enough to stay out, but I was not. The cops breathalysed us, and neither of us passed. Thanks to the Good Samaritan law (we got caught in an effort to help someone else), neither of us were charged with underage drinking. The police called our parents, and they took us home.” excerpt via Vice.com

One, two, three?-

“I once agreed to go home with a guy who I’d seen out a few times and always thought was pretty hot but we never actually dated. We were at a bar with a bunch of other people and he kind of singled me out and bought me a bunch of drinks. Since he seemed so into me, I decided to go with the flow. When I got to his place, I was surprised to find his wife there, ready for the two of us to jump into bed for a threesome. I know this would turn some people on, but I turned right around and left! I haven’t seen the guy since.” via Sheknows

Très fratty–

“I attended a small liberal arts college in the south, and I ended up pledging a fraternity my freshman year. He was the president of that fraternity and three years older than me. Once a year the chapter would have this long, drawn out ritual that ended with the incoming pledges being assigned a “big brother,” an upperclassman in the fraternity who would take the younger pledge under his wing. After the ceremony it was tradition for the big brothers to take their “little brother” back to the fraternity house to drink and whatnot. At one point in the night, we ended up going to his room to get some ice, which somehow turned into a slightly drunken awkward kiss that transitioned into slightly drunken awkward man-on-man action.

/actual true story.” via Jezebel.com

The best advice-

“My first time wasn’t even my first time. It hurt so much I was like, “No fucking way that beast is going to fit inside of me.” It took a lot of years and a lot of beers for me to get over that pain. Now that I want to blaze, like, everyday, guys are like, “M’eh.” I remember having a freakout a few years ago and telling my mom that I didn’t like sex. She said, “Honey, it’s not you. Men just don’t know what they’re doing.” Best advice I’ve ever been given.” excerpt via Vice.com

What’s that move called?-

“My first time was definitely awkward. The guy I was with kept saying stuff like ‘How’s that for you, you dirty girl?’ and ‘Tell me how much you want me.’ He also dragged me into about 30 different positions. I felt like I was doing Pilates! When we were finished, I went to hug him but accidentally swung my hand out too fast and ended up whacking him really hard on the penis. I was embarrassed, and he was in pain. At least I can laugh about it now.” via Cosmo

Family Guy nightcap-

“It was our wedding night, and despite having done damn near everything else, we had agreed to save the coitus, the final frontier, until we were married. We’re Orthodox Jews, and hey, this was how we justified the everything else. He wasn’t a virgin, having gotten religion in college after having his share of partners. I was, technically. After the wedding, still in our dress and suit (respectively), we drove over to the fancy hotel my parents graciously paid for (which is kind of weird in retrospect). I told him I had to “slip into something more comfortable”, then went into the bathroom and got into a pair of fuzzy pink footy pajamas. I came out and did a striptease to “Natural Woman”. I simply couldn’t take this whole “deflowering” thing seriously. We commenced the consummation, in the bed and in the bathtub. I remember being underwhelmed, but knowing we would get better with practice. I didn’t bleed, and it didn’t hurt. I didn’t come until we resorted to our usual fingerbanging – the clit wants what it wants, what can I say. Then we snuggled and watched Family Guy (which totally was still funny and not lame back in 2005), and ate leftover wedding food. It was perfect.” via Jezebel.com

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